uummmm

ahahahahahahahaha

2007-03-04T02:03:13Z

man this has been the fucking best weekend ever :P

last night i went to schism for the first time since i was banned :D it was awesome fun and many drinks were had and after the evenings festivities me mike gummo and catherine caused minor havok in woking with the stealing of shop signs and trolley racing :P

tonight i went to the star with Will and peoples and lots of beer and shots were drunk and many giggles had then me will and lucy went to kfc to get our chicken on and i got started on by some pikies and they got all in my face and one of them threw his coke on the floor (the fucking bastard hard nut :P) ... obviously he didnt realise that he would be without a beverage for the drive home lol ... but the best bit of all was when he girlfriend turned around and goes "dont mess with the fucking cranliegh massive" i just about pissed myself laughing at her while she was being dragged away by one of her not so drunk friends :P

this has all been a very interesting start to my weekend ... now i have a quiet day tomorrow with mike with movies darts and general boyish behaviour :)

weekend fun and games

2007-02-18T20:51:10Z

this weekend has been awesome ... friday night was spent with southern comfort and tv nice relaxing and chilled out. Saturday evening was spent with Alyona in London :) this was good fun started off at her flat with lovely take away munchies and then it was off to Koko for an beers shots and live music from crappy screamo emo bands :)

one interesting thing that happend was when we got back to the flat i ended up with a load of needles stuck through my arm :S this was interesting and kinda cool ... needle play makes for an interesting time :)

yeah the crappy thing was that i have broken my watch *sobs* the fucking strap decided to break and it fell on the pavement smashing the face :/

this will be expencive to fix i fear ... bugger.

due update

2007-02-13T18:35:00Z

well again my powers at updating and keeping you bastards informed of the tedious activities of my life has been lacking somewhat so heres a rare update for you :)

in general things have happend things havnt happend stuff has been said and stuff hasnt been said ... to a certain extent thats all your getting out of me :P

more recenetly though (ie this week) things have been pretty cool, have arranged a nice little trip to London on saturday to see Alyona which will be cool cos shes one of the few girls i know whom i can go out on the pull with and end up arguing over the same girl :P lol. Much fun shall be had there.

Today as well has been a cool day in all ... spent the morning taking boxes of stuff to the charity shop (such a kind soul i am) and pottering about the house, this afternoon however was a rather pleasant break from the norm with a txt from Rachael saying "tea?" after meeting and breifly discussing the prospect of getting some tea she decided that a treasure hunt would be more random and fun :D and YAY it was a damn good laugh trapsing about with a GPS for the afternoon only to be dissapointed at the end when we couldnt find the treasure :( we are certain our decifering of clues and coordinates were spot on but alas there was dissapointment :( , there was as always a semi argument over films of the horror genre but then again when Rachael is concerned there is never not an argument of sorts :P

all in all im feeling quite happy and content with things which is nice considering the foul mood i was in last week and most of the weekend so horray rejoice people for Needs is back in full swing BOOYEAH!

weekend update.

2006-12-17T14:12:30Z

RIGHT!!! well as you all know i broke up with Katy on tuesday (this still sucks)

however to cheer myself up i decided that a trip to London was in order on friday night, so me mike, laura, mikes friend kirsty, cara, chris and rachael and luke all went to sin city :D it was awesome fun and i got trashed big style. Also kissed a very pretty lady :) this made me feel happier and a lot more confident in myself.

yesterday i went shopping and got some more xmas pressies for family, and i treated myself to a nice new pair of jeans (£55 ARRRGGGHHH thats a weeks worth of travel to work). In the evening went drinking again in the star with mike, cara, martin and a few other people which was a lot of fun ... after though we decided to go back to Mikes and play poker and drink more :D pizza was orderd and the most amazing thing happend ... the guy who deliverd it said that the last people never answerd the door so did we want their pizza and stuff for free :D HELL YEAH £35 worth of pizza for free mwhahahahahahahaha. Laura came over when she finished at the star and more jokes and funny stories told, around 5am it was time to call it a night again laura gave me a lift home and all was well with the evening :)

Today shall be a lazy day methinks or possibly housework to be done.

The hardest thing iv had to do this year ...

2006-12-13T00:10:27Z

Tonight after much soul searching and internal debate and looking back at the last three weeks and conversations that were had tonight i broke up with Katy.

This is the hardest thing iv had to do for such a long time and it hurts so much, but I had to do it, it was for the best.

needs_666 @ 2006-12-11T23:44:00

2006-12-11T22:44:56Z

im sad .... cheer me up fuckers.

awsome.

2006-12-04T22:43:03Z

hell of an awsome weekend was had by me. OH YEAH!.

saturday night was in London with Katy and her family for a birthday party :) it was awsome fun lots of drinks where had and they all thought i was brilliant which was nice :D

sunday we went to camden (eventually after the hangovers were almost over) and i got a new tattoo done W00T pics will be posted soon when its less scabby :)

but yeah excelent but this week is going to suck, have to go to Nottingham tomorrow for a traning thing on wednesday blagh means no catch22 for me (boo hoo)

but yeah pfft thats it for now.

6 days and counting

2006-11-26T22:49:03Z

its been a mad week last day off was on monday and now its day 6 on the trot ... next day off not till wednesday argh the pains of being in charge.

otherwise this weekend was good ... hangar18 on friday with Katy and lots of people i aint seen for a while were there which was nice :)

today i got Pan's Labyrinth on DVD ... ... ... OMG if you havnt seen it you MUST its amazing.

ergh christmas soon and i still havnt gotten all the shopping done, it would seem that i have done Katy her sister and her mum no problem ... but have i gotten any of my family? NOOOOOOO bastards are so hard to shop for grrrrrr well i get payed on friday and have the day off so will be a good oportunity to get some shopping done.

well bed should be calling soon as its another 6.30am start tomorrow, god i cant wait for tuesday so i can have a sleep *sighs* well toodle pip

icky

2006-11-20T21:27:34Z

weekend to date ... worked saturday, was ok nothing exciting happend. Went to see Katy after work and i cooked for her :) and i think i did a pretty good job as well ... later on Chris came round and we watched jackass2 the movie (fucking awsome) and the dirty sanchez movie (fucking sick).

sunday we went to mutiny and then cameleon after and i got very ill methinks the mixers were off or wrong or somthing cos Katy said that when she drinks them she gets sick. The problem here is that the gents was not accesable when i started to feel ill therefore unfortunaty and to my great embarrasment i threw up all over the floor, this sucked ass big time and all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. Katy wouldnt speak to me after that and blanked me when we got home which made me feel even worse also i have been bard from cameleon and quake now for 3 months (bugger) this means no schism for me for a while.

this weekend could have gone a lot better and i still feel like death this sucks balls big time and im so pissed off.

to top it off i now have to work the next 8 days straight GOD DAMNNIT

yay

2006-11-13T18:28:58Z

went to the doctors just now and im back on my ventolin inhaler woohoo ... i havnt had to have this shit for like *ponders* 12/13 years damnit >.

still ill

2006-11-12T20:48:20Z

meh this sucks ... cant stop coughing.

uneventfull weekend really not a lot happend ... went over Katys on saturday and did all the washing up and tidied up the living room cos she was still asleep when i got there (bloody dole bums :P) LOVE YOU REALLY HUNNY.

ooo and the most anoying thing happend saturday evening at about 7pm i got a txt from Rex asking if i wanted to DJ in Reading that night >.< bastard left it a bit bloody late in the day to ask me grrrr pluss i wasnt feeling well anyway and was planning a quiet night in with Katy.

didnt wake up till 5pm today :S and am already back in bed :(

not a lot else to say really so thats about that toodles

blegh ill.

2006-11-09T11:24:00Z

im ill and in bed boohoo so i suppose this is as good a time as any to do one of my oh so regular updates as someone has been hassling me that i dont update often enough.

well its all been going on really, new job is going well although having to travel to Basingstoke each day is a bit of a shitter. Things with Katy are going really well miss her loads at the moment ... really want somone to pat my head and fluff my pillows for me :(

other things have happend since i last updated such as going to see AFI that was awsome, halloween was fun fun fun, and other crap that generally happens on a weekly basis.

anyway im going to sleep for a bit and try and shift this damn cough >.

not so regular update.

2006-10-05T18:07:38Z

well yeah its been a cool week or so since i last posted :)

things with Katy are fantastic no storm clouds on the horizon anyway as far as i can see ... schism friday should be interesting to see if any new rumours have started about us yet or if the one chris, sam and we started the other week has taken effect wmwhahahahahaha.

catch 22 was on tuesday and it rocked yet again so all's looking good for the future of that one :) many drinks were had and many laughs were shared, Mike the crazy motherfucker was there and drank his own puke again >.< made me laugh so much i nearly peed myself. After me and Katy went back to woking and rolled up at hers at like 6 in the morning (yawn).

work was boring today however im looking forward to starting my new possition in Basingstoke yay for being managment yay for pay rise yay for my mummy buying me a new suit :D might try and scam some shoes out of her as well.

OMFG Jony just messaged me saying he has a job ... more info to follow.

wooo

2006-10-02T17:37:40Z

oh yes it was a rather amazing saturday at work i got a phone call from the manager of Basingstoke asking if i still wanted the position of asistant store manager and retail manager WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO i couldnt fucking belive it :D

the best thing of all is that i never even had an interview for it, she just said she wanted me and the regional manager was like yep hes perfect for the job. Im soooo happy its a fantastic oportunity for me and i get to boss people about mwhaahahahahaha.

also in other news things with me and Katy are going fantastically well, went to camden yesterday and i got her some corpse bride figures which seemd to go down very well :) alas though her dads car got towed and he had to pay £200 to get it back (fuckers).

yay for catch 22 on tuesday need an awsome night out :D

happy needs :)

2006-09-11T23:30:30Z

yay i have a lovely new girl :D

READING FEST.

2006-08-29T10:13:42Z

OMG what the fuck. that was one crazy ass weekend.

Cant remember all the details but it was amazing fun and i will do my best to fill in the details, HOWEVER the Reading catchphrase for this year "ITS STILL FUNNY" cos Si broke his banjo string while sexing Tash and we asked many many passers by and they agreed.

other naughty things that happend.

- i got there on thursday morning and within hours we were going round touching people in an inaproptriate manner
- during said touching pulled a girl who my mate said was 15 and dragged me away while she was offering me a threesom :S
- that night got back to campsite where a pretty girl said she liked my mohawk (the ultimate come on) so we went back to my tent and sexed a bit and she gave me head and her friend dragged her out by her ancles.
- got told she was a virgin and only 15
- panniced a lot and got laughed at.
- found out she was 17 and a virgin
- felt a bit better.
- blanchard ODed on pro pluss that was amusing.
- pissed off a lot of people
- tricked foolish man into drinking piss out of a can of cider
- I went to see slayer and took a lot of nitros oxcide and poppers and dribbled a lot.
- if you haddent noticed yet my memory is patchy and im remember things not in any order.
- the girl who i deflowerd's friend was at our campsite and threw up over george and then passed out and masturbated right there ... was very amusing for all involved.
- I dropped trowsers and got greased up and hugged people.
- Me and Jacobi went around while he was dressed as a bear and we got videod for the main screen and we got photographed for nme (hopfully will make the next issue) and also videod for some website www.hollywoodmusic.tv i think.
- There were some naughty people who stole metal fencing and created a cage for the purposes of emo fights, that was funny.
- we got blanchard to eat pasta off my penis
- on monday we set up the most amazing shop full of floor treasure we taded loads of things and ended up with a BBQ some fire wood and tined goods ...WE GOT TO EAT YAY. and then we ended up with a fuck load of stuff including some inflatable mattresses which we tok home and hugo got some pop up tents (sod, those things are expencive)
- we then made our merry way home.

there are a lot more things that i cant remember so meh but all in all many thanks to all the peeps i camped with for making it a hella lot of fun.

needs_666 @ 2006-08-16T21:03:00

2006-08-16T20:09:50Z

hmm last night was a lot of fun (Havok) few people i hadvnt seen in a while were there which was cool

got a bit tipsy danced with pretty ladies and had clothes pegs attached to my nipples :-/

this evening however several things have really pissed me off to one degree or another AND NO before people ask i dont want to talk about it or share or whatever this is somthing for me to mope about and fume over for the rest of the evening.

woop

2006-08-14T22:33:05Z

yay i just got back from the pub and it wasnt the star (dont tell them they might get emo about it)

but yeah i met up with Adam for drink and food with some of his work people who where much fun we both ate like a pound of meat each eerggghhhhh sooooo much beef :D

yeah a good night was had :)

fuck up.

2006-08-12T22:35:44Z

so yeah basically anyone who i know well enough to confide in know that iv been having problems lately with the fact that there are 3 girls that i have very strong feelings for and its been driving me nuts because i dont know what to do etc and i feel like im just being a fuckwit and acting how everyone sees me as being a cocky arshole who trys it on with any woman i can.

but yeah anyway going back to the point about the 3 girls basically i got drunk tonight and told one of them how i felt about her and i think it went down like a lead balloon filled with cement -.-

i hate feeling like this i really like her and i like her more than the other 2 iv come to realise and i think i could be really happy with her and that she could be happy with me, i just feel like my past history with women is a major turn off for more or less ALL women i know and i hate what people see me as, i really dont want to be know as the sleezey bastard that fucks every female he knows its not who i really am and i need to get out of this cycle.

also tonight there was another bombshell dropped that a friend of mine apparently realy realy likes me (yes in that way) and i dont know what to do about it ... obviously i should just tell her that im not interested in her like that and would just like to be friends but im shit at that kind of thing and i tend to put it off and ignore them instead =[

graaaggggghhhhhh i wish life could be simple somtimes and that the girl i like would just like me back as well and that we could live happily ever after but yeah thats just stupid cos life doesnt work like that and it just looks to shit on you at every oportunity

TWATFUCKCUNT it all

rumblings

2006-08-10T11:24:09Z

my tummy is grumbling a fair amount ... i dont know if its hunger or the fish curry Ben gave me last night.

but yeah yesterday was cool met up with Anita and watched movies then went over to Ben Trudi and Cheryls place to lend dvds and give Trudi some of the money i owe her for gig tickets :)

Me and Cheryl watched stargate which didnt make a hell of a lot of sence seeing as i aint watched it in a LONG time but then V for Vendeta was on the agenda and i love that film :D.

yeah anyway need to get up out of bed and do things like cleaning the house today (mutter grumble)

ITS TRUE

2006-07-31T21:54:36Z

IM NOT DEAD

thats about it

ooooo its been a long time since my last post

YAY FOR TOXIC AVENGER AND YAY FOR CLASS OF NUKE'EM HIGH

ergh

2006-01-13T17:08:04Z

wow im still quite hungover.

last night we went out and celebrated Alans birthday ... awwwww hes 41 bless him.

but yeah i got him trashed without intending too (hes a bit of a lightweight it turns out)

also we got DJ to play THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN yay. Also Will's devil driver remix and thomas the tank engin remix.

yeah all in all a cool night out even though a few people didnt turn up grrr on them

Today iv mainly spent watching movies with carlie as she crashed at mine which was cool to just be lazy with someone for a day :) watched Porky's and Anchorman :D and im going to watch Tetsuo later on.

dont think im going out tonight for Mayhem ... im le tired and need to get a good nights sleep.

anyway loves for all xxx.

wow this seems pretty interesting.

2006-01-08T17:47:46Z

im so sleepy (in a mexican voice)

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

but a jew director grrrr.

ooooooooooo

2006-01-07T18:27:27Z

last night was schism ... it was a lot of fun. was good to be out with everyone even though i couple of people were AWOL (adam, mark, and a few others)

but anyway ... yeah saw peoples and caught up a lot with peeps who i havnt seen in ages. so YAY

also today ... I ... GOT ... NEW ... GLASSIES ooooooo they stylish and sexeh :P

yes well Desolation tonight so rock on with the black metal goodness -devil horns-

har har

100 things i would do if i were an evil overlord

2006-01-03T10:29:50Z

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.